


404. counting stars

by piggy09



Series: The Sestre Daily Drabble Project [205]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 23:09:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9407015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: “You didn’t let him kill me,” Helena says. “Detective Bell. You told him to put down his gun.”“Yeah,” Sarah says, “well,” and that’s when Helena realizes that Sarah was probably lying. Before. When she said that Helena mattered, and begged her to put down the gun. That was lying. Helena goes back to looking out the window.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [warning: reference to abuse]

They drive away from Rachel’s, and they just keep driving. Helena has already taken off Rachel’s lipstick, and so she doesn’t know what to do with herself – the radio, maybe, but that seems like a strange thing to do in the dark. She looks out the window. The further they get from the city, the more stars she can see. Usually she can’t see any of them. Someone told her that they make shapes, but that sounds like a story that somebody made up. Why would they make shapes? They’re just sky-lights.

“Sarah,” she says, and in the driver’s seat Sarah starts and hisses _Jesus shit_ which is blasphemy. But. Helena forgives her for it.

“ _What_ ,” Sarah says, and she sounds so irritated about it that Helena can’t ask her original question, which is _do you know if stars make shapes_. She thinks Sarah would know. If anyone knows.

“You didn’t let him kill me,” she says instead – which surprises her, because she hadn’t even been thinking about that. “Detective Bell. You told him to put down his gun.”

“Yeah,” Sarah says, “well,” and that’s when Helena realizes that Sarah was probably lying. Before. When she said that Helena mattered, and begged her to put down the gun. That was lying. Helena goes back to looking out the window.

Sarah sighs, a sharp sound. “Look,” she says. “Now we’re – even, alright? I shot you, and then I…didn’t let him shoot you. I don’t know. You kept up all that _I can’t kill you, you can’t kill me_ shit long enough, guess it stuck.” She drums her fingers on the steering wheel.

“Even,” Helena says. “Like – a balance.”

“Yeah,” Sarah says.

“Like a debt,” Helena says. “Like paying.”

“Sure,” Sarah says. “You don’t have to think about it, yeah? It’s over. You’re not dead, I’m not dead, bloody Rachel’s not dead, we’re gonna go find Swan Man. It’s all good.”

“I forgive you,” Helena says, because she’s pretty sure that was Sarah saying _sorry_.

Sarah scoffs between her teeth. “Christ,” she says. “Great, thanks, glad to hear it.” Her words have spines. Helena turns away from the window to study her, the way that _I don’t care_ is written in every line of her muscles.

“You didn’t have a choice,” Helena says quietly, and goes back to looking out the window. “I did it wrong. I did not mean to hurt you, but I did, and then there was no choosing. Only the gun. I know, sometimes, that there is only the gun. So. I forgive you.”

“We don’t have to talk about this,” Sarah says. “Actually, you know what? Let’s just – pretend it never happened. You don’t have to forgive me for anything, ‘cause it never happened.”

“You don’t forgive me,” Helena says.

Sarah slams the heel of her hand on the steering wheel and then, with a screech of tires, they are off the road. The road is empty. The side of the road is also empty. Every muscle that Helena grew during those years and years of Tomas is screaming at her now. Does she fight or does she stay still? She never knows which one and it’s always the wrong choice and she’s trembling with the need for both things and Sarah twists the key in the lock until the car shudders and dies and then she turns, and looks at Helena.

“You killed my sisters,” she says flatly. “You killed – you killed my _mother_. You think I can just wave a bloody magic wand and make all that go away? You think that’s just gonna – go away?” Her voice is cracking open. Helena’s muscles shake, and she’s sorry, and if Sarah would let her speak she’d say it over and over: _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_.

But Sarah doesn’t let her speak. Sarah just keeps going, head drooping towards the steering wheel, hair falling over her face. “You are the only – the _only_ way I can get my brother back,” she says. “And you saved my life. So—”

“Does this make even,” Helena says.

Sarah lifts her head and _stares_ at her. “What.”

“I killed her,” Helena says slowly, “but I saved you. You shot me, and then you did not let him shoot me. Are these things the same thing?”

“This is why I don’t want to _talk about it_ ,” Sarah says, which means _yes_. So if Helena saves Sarah enough times they’ll be _even_ , and Sarah will stop twisting her hands on the steering wheel like she’s trying to twist Helena’s neck. _Even_ is a difficult concept. What if Sarah does something else? Does that mean Helena will have to balance the scales again? Are they tied together like this forever, making the same action back and forth across the mirror to make sure they stay the same?

Does Helena mind, if they are?

She’s been quiet for long enough that Sarah has let out a long, shuddering sigh and started the car again. “Didn’t mean to shout,” she says gruffly. “Sorry.” Helena watches as the conversation slides off Sarah’s shoulders, and she buries it. So here they are again: Sarah, doing her best to forget everything Helena has ever been, and Helena remembering all of it but trying not to say it out loud.

She stays quiet, still. They get back onto the road and they’re driving.

“Sarah,” she says again.

“What.”

“Do you know if stars make shapes? Like pictures.”

“Constellations,” Sarah says. “It’s when you – draw lines between the stars, and it makes – cups, and fish, and shit like that. Why’s that matter?”

“Nothing,” Helena says. “I was just wondering.” She goes back to looking out the window. Somewhere outside, the sun is probably rising soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please kudos + comment if you enjoyed! :)


End file.
